Always is so difficult!

I wish i could always do what's right for me,
I wish i could always be what i am supposed to be,
I wish i could always be the one to hold your hand,
I wish i could always be your guide,
I wish i could always be by your side,
I wish i could always be that wise,
I wish i could always be your first love,
I wish i could always be the last,
I wish i could always live to make this true,
I wish i could always,
sometimes i wish i could just always say always!

This is for everyone i know and i ever knew,
I might not be there in your life now and i might never come back, you might never look back either.
To those i promised "always" and didn't live up to it, i am sorry it's just that i don't think "always" is possible any more; maybe i just grew up.
and to those who meet me and hear me say "always" please correct me i don't want to make that mistake again!

Always,
Sheel :)

Something i have always wanted or maybe...not

I am here, living it! the "AMERICAN LIFE" in some ways!
I cook my own food, i do my own dishes, i do my laundry once a week, i clean the apartment, i worry about rents and bills, i walk to 'School', i ride a 'bike', most of my work is on my laptop - my second love... and blah blah and blah..... i love it..... i hate it!

I have the freedom to do what i want and when i want.. i love this!
I have no one to tell me anything or stop me...... i love this!
I have the right of speech be it in front of my professor or any god damn person.... i love this!
I am in so many ways independent... i love this!
The weather is beautiful its not too hot.... i love this!

I have no one to ask for help when in a crisis..... i hate this!
I have no one to take care of me when i sick, everyone's busy..... i hate this!
I am practically handicapped and i cant travel without a car........ i hate this!
The weather is so bloody unpredictable....i hate this!!!

I love this place, and i hate this place....
I have a 100 reasons to settle here for the rest of my life and another 100 to go back to mumbai!
I hate confusions! and i love the options!

I have finally gone insane i believe!
Or was i always this insane!

we'r all the same

I always thought the twenties dilemma is something that happens to a certain slot of people and not everyone is equally affected! i mean i always thought each person is unique with his or her needs and defining someone as having one set of behaviors in not possible!

well i read an email forwarded to me by a friend which spoke about what all twenty year old's feel! and i found myself saying yes to almost everything! in fact lemme not lie i found myself saying yes to everything!!! which was crazy! i mean am i therefore not unique or was the mail specially written to me! :P :P it was damn scary,, cos that meant someone knew me inside out and that thought scared me! because when i haven't really understood myself that easily and someone else is able to tell me what i do and i don't feel is pretty scary!!!!

hmmm.....

a little girl,
trapped inside,
a big woman,
lost outside,
small wonders,
make her laugh,
harsh words,
make her cry,
a little love,
she keeps seeking,
a little anger,
runs in her veins,
one day she will overcome all hurt,
one day everything will be perfect.
each chapter in her life book,
i think is lovely,
each chapter makes her stronger,
each chapter makes her weaker.
the last chapter i hope,
will talk of glory,
fame,
success,
love,
family, friends.
the last chapter i hope.

my world is truly upside down! things people find wrong, i feel could be right in some way; some weird way! i feel everything has a reason and so is right in some sense. are drugs right?, is too much alcohol right?, is sex without any feeling attached to it right? wrong? well maybe not !! no does not mean I'd necessarily do it! but i wouldn't judge anyone doing it!!
life is so much better with so many different people, so much to talk about. so much for the gossip mongers to discuss! i wouldn't steal their reasons to talk!
so much more for the newspapers to write about, so much more for the doctors to treat! i wouldn't steal their monthly allowance! :)

would i give in to any of the things i mentioned? maybe-maybe not ..... life is a mystery i haven't solved mine yet! :)

till next time

Fear

Walking in the dark,
a sole loner,
there is no one who knows me,
there is no one who owns me.

I am on my way,
treading along a path,
i have never been here before,
i have never been so scared,
i fear i might go blind!

You turn up from no where,
and hold my hand,
it feels so warm,
this human affection!

you grab me into the light,
show me a world i've never seen before,
but i close my eyes,
the light burns them!

I am scared, i fear losing,
what i might never learn to own!

I fear hate,
so i learn not to love,
i fear ridicule,
so i decide and shut up,
i fear this light,
so i live in darkness!

But you force me,
make me open my eyes,
i let the light wander in,
as i fear i might go blind!

I fear crying,
so i learn not to laugh,
i fear heights,
so i bury myself deep into the grounds.

But you force me to laugh and cry out my pain,
so i try and smile,
and let the tears out of my eyes,
as i fear i might go blind.

I fear flying,
so i never look up,
i fear i might be wrong,
so i never think.

But you force me,
hold me and touch me,
make me look at the sky,
i take in the beauty,
as i fear i might go blind!

I fear life, i fear pain,
i fear hutrt and i fear death,
i fear love and i fear fame,
so please hold me close,
but not so tight,
that i might fear losing you,
as i fear i might go blind,
Blind in love with you!

Hm.mm.m...... sounds good to me [:)] its not about me but just a lil imagination!
my train of thoughts runs wild at times!

I have always wondered.. how easy is it to forgive and forget??
when should one forgive?
Is it necessary to forget after you forgive?
Is it better to not forgive and simply forget?
when and where is each of these questions valid? well i have had several incidences in my past That could not be forgiven and yet i did.. several i did not! but i was ready to forget each simply to ease my pain.
But there have been incidences which have not hurt me but made me angry, several i forgot several are still fresh in my memories!
Today something happened in my life that made me realise that not everyone is forgiving or ready to forget things very easily.... some torture you to hell to punish you either my abusing, making you do things you hate, or by simply giving you the silent treatment!

I faced all three and yet i don't think it ends here, there is much more to come i am sure. God grant me the patience and the strength for it all.
I wish i thought of God more often and not just when in trouble!

Dream Interpretation

Dreams, made up of weird stuff...... u keep seeing ppl from everday life doing weird things, things you wouldnt have otherwise even in your wildest thoughts imagined about.
And some say dreams can come true! now i really wouldnt want any of my dreams or rather nightmares( atleast the weirdest of all) to come true.
I have seen close family members having terrible experiences, i have seen close frnds hurt, i have seen me all dejected and all alone and all lost....... Nightmares.. truly horrible nightmares.

I was waiting for a rickshaw in the middle of nowwhere and i was looking at my watch. I was very late. I dunno where i was headed! And suddenly comes a rickshaw and i see two of my frnds in it! its getting kinda stupid now cos i dunno what they r doin there!
They tell me to get into the rickshaw real fast n i do. We tell the driver to hurry up but he's not that fast n i get all figedty...
I tell him to sit in my place and i sit in his. Next thing i see is that i m driving a rickshaw in a rocky mountainy area real real fast.
Next i saw that we were stuck cos ahead of us was a very big Khai ( i dunno what u call a khai in english [:P])
anyways i m supposed to take the rickshaw to the other end n i try to do that......
my rickshaw goes back n i gear up.... take it really fast full accelerator and we fly! Gosh i woke up all scared! i tried to be a hero n i dunno wat happened i guess we fell into the khai or something.
I almost killed three ppl!
Shit.
I hate such nightmares.!
this was yet the mildest nightmare! i get stuff worse n worse and each time i see close frnds and family!
Who can interpret just what is goin on in my head!
Its crazy!
Anyways...... i hope i see something good tonight!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz.........................

Guuuurrrr..........PHussssss!!!!! ....... What do u do when the person next you snores ...and disturbs the silent peaceful night?

Do you wake him and tell him not to snore?.. i tried that once... dint help cos the minute he was alseep he started snoring again!!!!!
Now why do people snore..? whats up their noses that causes them to make such unpleasant sounds?

what if one of the person sleeping in the room is not a deep sleeper and gets way way way way tooooooooo disturbed by the snoring? he cant just stuff his ears with cotton.... nor hide under the blanket or pillow cos they aint really sound proof!!!!!

I have a friend.... he snores like a horse... ( not in literal terms obviously cos i haven't really heard a horse snoring!) but well.... he snores and snores and snores and i cant sleep if we both were to be in the same room!! like yesterday..... i was out with a bunch of school friends to a place calld vargini..... we played cards till late night... gossiped a lot had a lot of fun basically and went to sleep at arnd 6 in the morn..... I was very very tired but i couldnt fall asleep cos my friend was goin gurrrrr..........Phussss!!!!! i dint know what to do !!! i tried putting my head under the blanket/pillow, i even tried shaking him up so that he'd stop snoring but well as i said earlier nothing worked!

finally i just gave up trying to shut him up and trying to sleep! i stayed awake till he finally woke up.. n then i slept like a baby for an hour or so!

Well while writing abt this, i remember another friend of mine in the same group... who used to snore like a horse too... really bugged me out! But surprisingly yesterday he wasnt snoring!! he was sleeping quietly! !!!!!!!!
......let me go and ask him what and how did he finally manage to stop snoring???? I am really really proud of him!! atleast i wont have to worry abt sleeping in the same room with him in future....! :)

By-
Anti-snorer :P :P :P

I have heard of people wanting to go to USA or Australia or someplace to study, to work, for marriage and etc.. but imagine being forced to go to someplace just because everyone else in your family wants to!
And imagine, moreover, your education isnt complete, you still have one last exam to give, you have all your friends, your entire life out here, but your family just wont budge they want to go at any cost!!!

I can barely belive some people! what would you call them selfish?, or would you say that they were actually looking at a better future for their kid?

Imagine having a BF/GF here, you cant meet anymore cos you simply cant keep flying to meet each other!, cant keep talking on the phone cos that would mean late nights for one of them almost everyday!, and you cant even gift each other cos its too far to send and to difficult to decide what the person on the other end might need considering the difference in areas and public out there!

I think kids should be left after a period, give them breathing space let them decide and select what they want, afterall if u keep thinking for the all your life they will never grow up!

why this blog? well just cos i felt bad for someone, someone who's story i have kinda described here!

Oh Man!

Ok its that time of the year again!
applications, deadlines, transcripts to be signed, marksheets to be attested, and a number of other things to be done!

And to top all of this i have to even get reco letters from professors i am sure dont really like me, format SOP's (gosh dont the people in USA have better stuff to do than read SOP'S? (weirdo's), select universities in a country i dont know anything about except what i see on television and obviously television is bound to show a rosy picture! i m supposed to know the geography of this new country so that i can decide which area is better for me!

MAddening!
anyways till i m sane......

jab koi chees dil se chahate ho to saari kayenaat usee tumse milaneki saazish karta hain... or something like that. But i love the line and i like the thought. :)
And i am starting to see a lot of sense in this statement. I mean look around you and you'll see a lot of things ending the way you would have wanted them to ,even though the path may not be what you wanted. I mean raasta kitna bhi unwanted kyu na ho, the end is something you have always desired ... atleast i see a lot of things in my life ending like this.
And some of these endings have led me through very tough times and it was during those periods that i thought that the world is against me! but the end has always been something i wanted.
There is one more ending i am waiting for, if this one comes true, i am going to make this statement my life motto :)

my best friend is me!

Today I found a friend who knew everything
I felt she knew my weakness and the problems I've been dealt.
She understood my wonders and heard my dreams
she heard how I felt about life and love and knew what it all means.
Not once did she interrupt me or tell me I was wrong she understood what I was going through and promised she'd stay long.
I reached out to this friend,to show her that I care, to pull her close and let her know how much I need her there.
I went to hold her hand to pull her a bit nearer and I realized this perfect friend I found was nothing but a mirror.

NEED I SAY MORE?

Oh Man!

Just when u think everything is falling into place, one stitch just has to run out and pulling at the rest!
Its soooooooooo frustrating when all that u plan suddenly is of no use and you have to plan all over again!!!!

i hate this!

WHY?

how can someone fall sick on gokul ashtami?

be admitted under serious conditions on the first day of paryushan?

and be declared as a lost case on the first day of ganesh chaturthi?


i just dont get this!!!!
Losing my faith in God!

Prayer

I read this ,in one of the mails i'd recieved today... titled kiddie prayers,
Exactly my sentiments ...,

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die,
and having to make new ones,
why dont you just keep the ones you got now?

Jane.

[:(]

Time And Tide wait for no one!

Sleeping in my room,, relaxed after a particularly hot and tiring day.
Thinking about myself, thinking about my GRE prep and the exam.
Wondering if i wanted to go to the USA or was i simply better off here.
Thinking about the din outside, the dinner at night, the God damn world,
basically thinking about routine stuff,....

Least did i expect what happened next,
a friend called up, he was on the verge of tears , his mom had just been brought to lilavati hospital.
She was in a serious condition, the docs were'nt sure what she was suffering from n she was deteriorating by the minute.
Some said severe pneumonia was destroying her lungs and spreading to the rest of her body, some said it was an infection of the gall bladder.
A number of tests were being carried out..... the reports-All normal!
He was told that she might not survive if she doesnot show any signs of improvement in the next 6 hours!!
He was lost dint know whom to turn too...he'd lost his dad in a similar condition!
He need to talk , to cry, to let out his anger.....
And we spoke for a few minutes till he was needed again....

A part of me changed in those few minutes, my thoughts shifted from the din, the GRE , the USA, the routine to Life in general!

How important is anything in your life if the most important people in your life are no longer with you?
How important is an achievement when the very people who made of capable of it are no longer around to cheer you?
How important is your life?

I have no anwers ,
i m still wondering,,

In the mean time dear friend I hope your Mother gets well soon,
i hope she comes back home and prepares you a lovely meal, i hope she comes back home to work on those crochet that she so loves,
i hope she comes back soon to the nitty-gritty of daily work!
i hope she comes back soon.....
Wishing her Life and you Strength
Take Care

I Passed :)

I held the sheet gingerly in my hands ,dint want it to get a single scratch,dint want it to fold from any end, dint want it to get torn from any side, it was special ,after all ,the best sheet i've held in four years!
My Passing Certificate... i had cleared, completed 4 years of undergrad!
It was exciting, i was practically thrilled!
I kept looking at the sheet for quite sometime ,just letting the feeling that , i had completed an important part of my education sink in!
I would be called a Doctor, it sounds so royal!
It was so ......i got no words for the feeling of happiness!

I loved it!
today was another one of my happy days!!

I m now an Occupational Therapist! [:)]

I love this image and i love the music :)